IRON MIKE WELCOMES YOU

A STROLL AROUND SHAKESPEARE COUNTY

2007-04-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today I made a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon.

I never like to go away for the whole of the Easter weekend. You are bound to get stuck in a traffic jam or at an airport scratching
your head frantically and generally tearing your hair out. It is why I had a small chuckle to myself when I heard of all the tailbacks on the Motorway on Friday.

I really don't know the exact reason for wanting to go to
Stratford. There was a time at the beginning of the year where I made a mental list of places in the U.K that I was interested in visiting. Therefore, my mother and I made a visit today.

I am pleased to report that I did not get sucked in by the Shakespeare phenomenon. Naturally as the great man was born in Stratford, the town sees it necessary to sell this fact to tourists and general members of the public by the barrell full. It does seem a little overbearing at times, when you walk around the town.

The tourist info centre generally advises you on four things to do- all involving Shakepeare. However, considering the sheer quantity of Shakespeare plays Mr Rudge and Oakely made me study during A Levels at Sixth Form College, I felt that I had enough knowledge of the man and his works already. Certainly there was nothing to be gained from paying £15, just to look around his house. This was opposite to what I felt when I visited Blenheim Palace three weeks ago. I felt there was much to be learned about both the Duke of Marlborough and about Churchill's life away from the spotlight.

I did manage to see where he William is buried. He has a chancel in Holy Trinity Church, a beautiful 13Th century Parish Church. Of course, we got charged a "voluntary contribution" to go and see where he was laid to rest. But as this amount to 50p, I didn't feel too hard done by. What was quite disappointing though, was that 30 minutes prior to arriving at Holy Trinity, a wedding was taking place. In fact I saw four wedding taking place today. Shame I have been a bystander at a baptism before- perhaps a wedding is next.

We did manage to have a delightful lunch at quite a cosy cafe. It was called the "Courtyard Cafe" and according to the adverts their food was "award winning". Maybe it is but it took a long time to arrive. Nearly an hour before I could tuck into a Baked Potato with Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese and Salad. It was most amusing watching the staff "at work". It basically involved 1. Panicking. 2. Taking an order 3. Forgetting the order 4. Apologising for forgetting the order 5. Panicking 6. Before another apology. The manager must have got stuck on the M40!

All in all though it was a great day. I really did find Stratford a jolly nice place. With the sun shining brightly and the boats gliding willfully down the Avon, it was a relaxing mood. Plus I got to have my first ice cream of the season- now nothing can beat a '99 on a warm day.

Even better when I later heard that Aston Villa had remembered how to win a game, Bangladesh had thrashed the South Africans in the Cricket World Cup and that John Candy was on TV in the highly amusing film "Planes, Trains and Automobiles". There was no Shakespearean tradegy today for Mr O'Rourke. Quite the opposite in fact.

Perhaps Dad was right.....

2007-04-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

I heard something interesting on my way to work yesterday. I was standing at a bus stop and over the other side of the road there was an old couple, who had come back from their weekly trip to the Post Office.

Now, this is not me guessing or even stereotyping about what activity they had just been participating in. No. The old chap could be heard when he was 30 yards away. There was no doubting that he was hard of hearing. I have always struggled to hear in the left ear, which is why I can be quite loud when I speak to an audience.

Anyhow, I digress.

The couple were discussing Prime Minister Blair. They said that he earned too much (actually his wife earns more than him) and didn't know that he was born. "He ain't that good is he", our senior gentleman retorted. Agreed. But that is not the main topic of this blog. It is that classic line all elderly people seem to use regularly and one which my Grandparents repeat again and again and again: "It never used to be like this in the olden days".

When my bus eventually came, I thought about this statement and thought what a ridiculous statement it was. In his 20's, my Grandfather had to deal with a war with Nazi Germany which meant him leaving his family and friends for months at a time. There were domestic side effects on his return to the U.K which included rationing and food stamps. There was no NHS until 1947 and no funding for it until the early 70's. The Soviet Union were always causing trouble and being a constant pain during the late 40's and early 50's, with their obsessions in creating a 'Soviet bloc'. There was no television, no washing machines, basic utilities were at a low and in general it was a tough old slog.

Then I suddenly thought about the society that I am living in at present. It may have many of the things materially that were lacking in the 40's and 50's, but there was something the olden days certainly had an abundance of and which we lack today- and that is respect and tolerance.

The lack of manners by men and women of all ages and backgrounds in this country today, fails to stun me. Gone are the traditional manners of yesteryear- saying please and thank you, helping mothers with buggies, opening doors, queuing patiently, giving way when driving, tipping after an agreeable meal (a term phrased so wonderfully by Al Pacino- extra points for knowing which film) and just being pleasant and polite to each other. And what is more is that it continues to get worse year by year.

What the 1940's and 1950's were about was comradeship- everyone was in it together and society was generally obedient and orderly. Blimey, even our politicians were trusted to run government.

Now, there is no trust in government. Chavs and Gang syndicates run havoc throughout our towns and cities. You stand up for laws of the land and you are castigated and made to feel as if you have committed a crime yourself. Family ties don't mean so much as they did even 10 years ago, let alone 50-60.

Maybe I exaggerate slightly. Yet do the old couple have it right? Were the olden days better? Obviously unless David Tennant can time port me back 60 years or so I won't be able to see for myself. But I am worried- because it could just be that I agree with my dad too (a man who could right a book on why the "olden days" were the "best uns". And this really is beginning worrying me. :)

A strange old week

2007-04-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

Evening all. I have been awful in posting lately- have had job applications and interviews to sort out and a job to keep down.

Anyhow, it has been a strange old week.

Iran has decided to detain British sailors- and in doing so have broken countless International Treaties in doing so. Irrespective of the rights and wrongs of the Iraq War and Allied treatment of detainees, there cannot be any justification for this barbarous act.

The England football team actually managed to score a goal and win a game.. albeit against part-time handymen, postmen and bank clerks from the world's most dirtiest international team in the world, namely Andorra. Thoughts harked back in the mind of the media, to England's last "turnip" of a manager, Graham Taylor. If you ask me, Taylor would have done a better job if the media would have given him an ounce of support. I don't quite feel the same about McLaren though- he is far too unadventurous and dull as drying paintwork to utilise the undoubted talent in the squad.

The riddle surrounding Bob Woolmer's death also continues to intrigue. There can be little doubt that cricket has lost one of its finest servants in Bob. However, how the police authorities in Jamaica have yet to determine cause and motives of death is beyond me. Its at times like this that one needs that wirely old Detective, Jack Frost to be truth not fiction.

Of course, Sir Elton celebrated his 60th birthday in true Elton style: performing a 3 hr concert in Maddison Square Gardens to over 100,000 fans of the legend from Pinner.

And we have the start possibly of summer. As the band Texas tell us, we need to keep an "inner smie". Yet what I find incredibly amusing is despite the fact it is still freezing outside, the moment an ounce of sunshine peeps through the cloud, summerwear becomes the norm rather than the exception.

Let me explain more. I was on a train earlier today and there was a girl of about 20 who was dressed as she was watching cricket in Antigua today. Not sure how the cute little thing wasn't freezing to death. It was the same on Thursday, when the girlfriend decided in her infinate wisdom to wear a skirt when we went to the pub. Now, I wouldn't usually complain as she dpes look rather cute- but still its April not August.

Then there is the sunglasses. Sometimes I think that I am stuck in a timewarp and back with David Tennant in the 70s. Or at least thats it seems like when the sun is out. It seems that the big, fat, unstylish sunnies are back for now at least. I believe that Victoria Beckham brought back this craze. Yet everywhere I drive or walk now, all I see is very pretty young ladies, looking radiant in the midday sun- until you see the sunnies. Blimey we're not even in summer yet.

A strange old week really.

SOLVING THE MORSE CODE IN OXFORD

2007-03-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

The weekend just past I spent in lovely Oxford.

I had a delightful couple of days in one of Britain's oldest and historic cities.

Of course, this is the City which houses England's oldest University. There was something about the University- possibly its architecture, is history, its inhabitants past and present, its academic excellence or perhaps something else, that adds flavour to the City.

It was a first for me. I have never so much as stepped a foot in Oxford over my 23 years and a bit of living. After stepping off my train, I felt a sense of the unexpected- something I always feel when visiting a new place. There is nothing like actually experiencing something yourself.

I obviously had a visual of what Oxford would be like. I expected it to be snobbish and slightly up itself. I mean this was King Charles I's Headquarters during the English Civil War- and he was an arrogant sod.

However, I found the old place delightful. I strolled around the streets on Saturday afternoon lazily and just enjoyed the fresh air and quietness of the City. They value their fresh air in Oxford which is why many people cycle/walk into and around of town.

Then of course, I remember that Morse strolled his way around Oxford. With his old sidekick Lewis in toe, they attempted to solve grisly crimes in deepest darkest Oxfordshire- in a pub called the Turl. This pub has had some famous clients- Bill Clinton smoked dope their apparantly during his student days. Former Australian PM Bob Hawke drank a yard of ale there in seconds flat. This is in the Guinness Book of Records. Then you had the parliamentarians attempting a coup from the same street the pub is on. And of course Morse....

Their fish and chips are delicious by the way....

So I found it all delightful. I drank i some pubs in the evening with my mate Juan before heading off to his house and bed.

All in all pretty delightful.

Tomorrow I may even digest into my visit to Churchill's birthplace and ceremonial home- Blenheim Palace. I'm sure you'll all be back for that.

M x

UNIVERSITY: ITS A BIT OF A BALL!

2007-03-01T09:57:00.001-08:00

Written at 09:00 on Fri 2nd March

It has been an incredibly bright and cheerful couple of days.

An old friend from my days with my student newspaper 'Redbrick', is standing for the Guild Presidency at the moment and as such I offered to assist him in handing out leaflets yesterday afternoon.

I didn't help for long because most of the work had been done by the time I had go there at 4pm. In fact.... pretty much all of the electioneering had been done. Well... at least I offered. Therefore, I had a bit of time to kill before I returned home for my daily dose of 'Neighbours' (which has been very good recently: lovely the new chick Mr Steiger's daughter). So, I decided to take a serene stroll around my old stamping ground- University Square.

It was the first time I had stepped foot on the University grounds at Birmingham, since my graduation and my goodness it looked splendid in the sunshine- the Spring bulbs are beginning to surface, the birds were singing. I felt like nipping around the campus like Ernie Wise, umbrella in hand!

This wander got me thinking. I suddenly remembered what good fun it was to be a student. There were the same old problems regarding lack of money, debt, seminars, lectures etc etc when I was studying, but overall it was what you made it.

I happened to overhear some conversations during my wandering. It is a well known fact that Birmingham University students tend not to keep quiet for too long. The categories the conversations can fall into were simply:

1. Sex 2. Alcohol. 3. Skipping Seminars 4. Having a chill

err.... that was about it.

A lot of people argue that University Life is over-rated. I disagree. Even though I attended a fairly local University, I still spent my 2nd and 3rd years living with fellow students: who as it happened are now best friends as well as ex-house mates. It was an experience that will live with me for the rest of my life- the people I met, the new things I could try out, the things I learned about myself. Jeez.... I am missing those days already and I think many who read this article are missing "their time" too.

University makes an individual grow up, experience new challenges, acquire new skills and yes... have a laugh and a bit of fun.

Of course University is not for all. Many individuals may not want to go to University. Others are certainly not best suited to attend University- instead apply the skills and talent they have into other areas such as Nursing, Plumbing, Banking..... none of these industries require a degree.

Indeed, it seems foolish to force 50% of school leavers into University. It simply is not sensible politics to have an arbitrary level to which we HAVE to aspire.

However, it is also important that we do not give individuals reasons NOT to attend University- because believe me it is good fun (just ask Jeremy Clarkson: when asked what is the one thing he regrets most about his life he said it was not attending a University- sleeping in till 2pm every day etc etc).

YOU CAN'T BEAT OLD BLIGHTY OR THE F.A CUP!

2007-02-27T13:43:00.000-08:00

Evening fans. It has been a while I know: been mega busy of late. But I am back with my pearls of wisdom.

I have just finished watching the FA Cup game on BBC between Stevie Coppell's Reading and Fergie's Man Utd. An extraordinary game which saw United, bound to win their league title this term, hold on for their dear life to gain a 3-2 success. The game according to John Motson "all looked so simple for the visitors after three goals in the first six minutes. In the end though it was nearly one of the very best F.A Cup comebacks of all time. Just goes to show how special the FA Cup is ". Yes, how special the FA Cup is. Take your mind back to last season's final between Liverpool and West Ham: it ended 3-3 and was one of the best Cup Finals in recent years. Just think of all of the FA Cup shocks there has been in recent years, that have given fans from some of the country's small league and non-league clubs some of the best days of their lives. Hereford United beating Newcastle in the 1970's, Sutton knocking out Coventry City in the 1980's, Bolton knocking out holders Arsenal in the 1994, Exeter City holding Man Utd at Old Trafford in the New Millenium and Wimbledon winning the FA Cup back in 1988. It is very special.

Next season though, great games like this evening's match may not occur. There have been many calls for replays in the world's greatest club competition to be scrapped. I believe that these calls are unwarranted and also take incentive out of matches for smaller clubs.

It is the big clubs in the main that are asking for the replays to be scrapped- the likes of Wenger and Mourinho. No real surprise really. Winger and Mr Arrogant have sides in the Champions League, are fighting (just about) for the Premiership and just the other day both were jostling for the Carling Cup.

However, these sides also have reserve squads treble the value and size than that of the lower league teams first teams put together. Take Chelsea: if they need a replay in the FA Cup then off the bench comes Kalou, Bridge, Wright-Phillips, Cudicini amongst others. Wright-Phillips value is presently approximately £8 million. That is the value of the entire Watford squad put together.

Therefore, the bigger sides have the resources to deal with the replays.

Anyhow, replays have always added to the flavour and the excitement of Cup competitions.

Take for instance, the Bolton v Arsenal replay. It ended 3-1 to the Gunners, after extra time. The game it is all agreed was much better than its predecessor at the Emirates Stadium, where both sides ground out a 1-1 draw. This match had drama, passion, vigour and a 90 minute equaliser from Bolton to take the game into Extra Time.

Imagine, how lowly Burton Albion would have felt last season if there was not a chance of a replay. After scrapping every blade of grass for a resolute 0-0 draw against Man Utd, they and their fans earn a deserved replay at Old Trafford- the theatre of dreams. In what other scenario would Burton be able to step out into 'The Theatre of Dreams' to play United. If there were no replays, United would probably have ground out a cruel 1-0 victory over Burton after extra time. If a team can shut up shop in the Premiership for 90 minutes, in order to gain the draw and therefore a point- then there simply has to a reward in Cup Competition (i.e: yes you've guessed it a replay....)

Anyhow, my tip for this season's FA Cup is for Man Utd, Tottenham (after a replay), Arsenal and Plymouth to reach the last four, with a Spurs v Man Utd final.

2). Last week I spent the weekend in London. I haven't got enough fingers to count how many times I have been to London, yet I still love being in the nation's capital. Last time I was in London was for the Remembrance Parade last year: a solemn occasion but one with which I was very proud to represent my Grandfather at (an ex-Paratrooper who was unable to attend).
This time around I had a glitzy anniversary dinner to attend. FREE BAR, great luxurious grub, excellent music (especially by Clive Golanski on the Electric Guitar) and a good venue in the Holiday Inn Suite in Camden.

To say that I was a little under the weather early Sunday morning, is like saying that Sir Richard Branson can spare the odd fiver. However, not deterred the British bulldog spirit took me over and before long I was on a Walking Tour around London.

With my friends Major Tom and J.P Clarke scurrying for the back benches and scampering home, I was left to wait until the early afternoon to meet my mate Mr Robert Lee Esq.

Therefore, I had a couple of hours to spare and decided that it sounded quite good fun to have a free guided tour of Whitehall and Westminster.

The walk was only free as it was International Tourist Day or whatever tosh it happened to be. However, having experienced very enjoyable walking tours in Berlin (with Kenny's army), Dublin (Paddy), Copenhagen (Per) and Cape Town (Jacques) then I thought it was a good idea.
It was an immensely enjoyable, child-like tour. I didn't care that we all looked like tourists and that black cabbies kept gesticulating towards us, I just had a bloody good time. Our guide was some wacky Ulster women called Tash, who kept us going for two whole hours (on Chinese New Year day too) with many funny stories, tales, ambiguous facts and general useless information.
Guided tours are just the best ever- because no person can surely enjoy getting lost or wandering aimlessly around a City for a couple of days. Just take out a tenner and enjoy the delights of being sheep following the shepherd towards the stable: and enjoy the fact that everyone else around will hate you for it.

I finished my weekend in Covent Garden drinking beer. Sundays seem to be pantomine day in London, with every street corner featuring jugglers, still statues, Mexican Banjo players and ice cream men galore: especially in Covent Garden. However, there was a buzz around the whole place last Sunday that I have yet to match: there is youthful exuberance in Copenhagen, oozes of culture in Vienna, chilling out in Cape Town, stress and tight shoulders in Zurich and manic debauchery in Dublin and Prague. Yet you cannot beat London if you want a place where you will always be guaranteed a pint, a meal and..... a juggler.

Can Shopping be as fun as Supermarket Sweep and as delightful as today's snow. No, didn't think so....

2007-02-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

CAN SHOPPING BE AS FUN AS SUPERMARKET SWEEP AND AS DELIGHTFUL AS TODAYS SNOW. DIDNT THINK SO....

Afternoon on this cold and snow-fuelled day, writing at 5pm.

You have just got to love this country. A few flakes of snow fall for the first time in many a moon and the country goes to pot. I love it. There I have been acting the complete kid today marching down main roads throwing snow missiles at my unsuspecting friends and everyone else is stuck at work and moaning.If you look at any other country they seem to be prepared for such onslaughts. The Scandinavians just get in another few packets of biscuits and a fresh bottle of vodka and get prepared for the onslaught. Next day every car, bus, train, aeroplane and any other form of mechanical transport is moving swimmingly and everyone just laughs if off.In Germany, they actually believe their weather forecasters because the Germans are a very paranoid people. Therefore, when the German version of Sian Lloyd stands in front of the television and tells them it is going to snow like crazy on Thursday, it may be surprising news to you all, but the Germans are ready for it. In Switzerland, Austria, France and even Spain- their preparations are better than ours.In America, they are sending sozzled Homer Simpson's up and down every State snowplowing roads and De-freezing rail tracks and runways whenever a snowstorm is expected.Here in the U.K though, we can't even find it in ourselves to believe our weather forecasts to get prepared. Nowadays, the forecasts are pretty accurate compared to the Michael Fish forecasts of the 1980;s. So why are we so surprised to wake up today and see 6 ft of snow in our back gardens.As I write Radio 2 Traffic Girl Sally is on reporting of "travel chaos" and by goodness if I hear one more prat moaning about the elements on TV or radio I will swing for someone. We were warned: we should have been prepared.Anyhow, not letting the elements fail me I went shopping this morning. Now that really was torture. I mean, I cannot think of any task anymore boring, frustrating and damn right annoying than supermarket shopping. It takes an age to find exactly what is on your list, meaning you waste a whole 90 minutes of your life just wandering around like an ostrich. Hands and everything else is flapping as you just want to finish..You always spend more than you really want to. Always. I popped in for eggs, bread and milk today and then decided to do my "main" shop. Now this was Co-op which is one of the most expensive supermarkets around. But I didn't care did I as I went into the "zone"- one where you rush around like you are on Dale Winton's 'Supermarket Sweep', putting everything that is anything on your trolley. Now, fortunately, I do check what I have chucked in my trolley before I approach the checkout- so approx half of the trolley goes back on the shelves. Yet trust me... you always get home with 5-10 goods that you have no reason for having. Today, I bought a pair of gloves- but I already had gloves on at the time. You get the gist.Just when you think that the hell is over you get to the checkout, have to wait a day for the checkout girl to finish her chat with Sue who happens to be the checkout supervisor but never seems to supervise anybody. She just gossips. Shopping in supermarkets is just a real nightmare: worse than watching Pearl Harbour on DVD, or having to spend a day with the Grandmother.No, no, no. Give me the pub. Any day, anytime, anywhere.

"LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!!"

2007-02-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

Evening all. It has been a while since I last blogged due to illness. I apologise to my fans for not continuing to feed you all my words of wisdom.

I went to the cinema this evening to catch the film 'Blood Diamond'. A very enjoyable ride- even if it does have Leonardo DiCaprio starring (and with the worse Zimbabwean accent ever imaginable). There really isn't any better way to watch a new release than on the big screen. What with the chance of watching on a screen the size of the Millenium Dome and with surround sound buzzing around it makes you feel as if you are actually in the Sierra Leone war zone- or whereever else the film is set.

Ok, maybe an exageration. Yet when you add up the fact that compared to all other activities it is a relatively cheap way to spoil the missus (an occasion to dress up) then generally I enjoy going to the cinema. It is just a shame that I don't go as often as I want to during a hectic week.

However, there are a few things that get under my skin when at the pictures. Firstly, is the price of refreshments. I never buy popcorn or pick-and-mix on principle because it is too bloody expensive. I mean- £3.00 for a small bag of popcorn. £2.80 for a pint of coke. Usually, I pop to the supermarket beforehand and buy a small bag of popcorn and a 500ml bottle of Coca Cola. If anyone was to stop me from entering with it, I will just plead that I have human rights. Goes a long way these days under this pathetic government of ours.

Then one encounters the trailers. Now, I am one that doesn't mind too much trailers for new film releases because it is always good to see what is coming up. And when it is a new James Bond film I always love the excitement of seeing the 007 trailer for the first time. No, it is the commercial advertisements that are annoying especially as they are usually of products that the average cinema audience isn't that likely to buy- there was one advert for a new Jaguar with the starting price of £30K tonight. Plain daft.

And of course other cinema users are bound to create some kind of disturbance. Whether it is a group of 12 year old boys doing fine impressions of Bart Simpson (mainly slingshotting popcorn), the teenage girls talking loudly about Justine, people unable to understand that when you eat you close your mouth or some prat talking on the phone- something will get to you at some stage.

However, in the last week I have been to the cinema twice and both times found it comforting, relaxing and enjoyable. Even the trailers have been bearable. So don't listen to me- go out to the cinema ASAP and catch the 'Last King of Scotland'. An excellent film portraying the leadership of Uganda by the nutcase that was Idi Amin. Forrest Whittaker is my top tip for a Best Actor at the Oscars as he was simple startling as Amin. Good film that sadly missed the time when Idi announced to the world that he was "going to tea with the Queen (Elizabeth 2)"

TONY THE TOILET! YOU'RE TAKING THE PISS SURELY....

2007-01-25T17:02:00.000-08:00

Written at 1am

Something amused me in the letters page of the 'Birmingham Evening Mail' tonight.

It created such a chuckle that I thought it would certainly be worth putting it on this forum.

It was courtesy of a certain Mr M Thomas from Alum Rock. His article is called "Tony the toilet" and he certainly seems a staunch socialist.

It reads....

" I wonder if when he gives up the leadership of the Labour Party, Westminster politicians will want to build a marble statue of Tony Blair. If they do, why dont they take it on a nationwide tour?

How about placing it for a night in every working man's club in the land? That way the licensees could stand it in a urinal and allow their members to do over him what he did over them for a decade!".

Actually Mr Thomas has made a slight error: it is not just working-class members who have felt the force of Mr Blair, he's pissed on the lot of us.

I cannot wait until the slimy bugger has gone.

IF I WANT TO SAY IT, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO.... THAT IS WHAT A DEMOCRACY IS ABOUT

2007-01-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

Good day all. Today I am going to talk about poltical correctness- because simply it has gone stark raving bonkers.

Heard on the radio this morning, that a British man was stopped from boarding a Qantas flight from Heathrow to Sydney because he was wearing an anti-George Bush t-shirt. He was given two options- a) remove it b) dont remove it and be unable to fly.

The chap decided not to board the flight because he argued that he did not want to be silenced. He said that he would rather actually lose out on £700, than on his free speech. Bravo to the chap I say!

Understandably, he probably can be placed amongst the other 4 million or so socialist panzies, who decide that the best method of opposing everything that is bad about the world is to wear an anti-Bush t-shirt. Naturally, he has chosen to join on a bandwagon of "blame Bush for everything" which I disagree with. On Iraq, yes he should take the blame because his judgement has been quite pathetic but it is a little simplistic for us to argue that everything "Dubya" stands for is incorrect because it isn't.

However, the gentlemen in question was not actually being offensive in any manner about Bush. Not offensive in any manner about America. He was boarding an Australian aircraft with a t-shirt that had a humerous quip on it. How could it possibly have been deemed "threatening" by over-zealous Qantas staff at Heathrow? What is more shocking is that this was in Britain!

It is something that is epidemic across Britain under Blair. The inability to say what you think has gone because "oh but it isn't politically correct".

Immediately, I will take a controversial example head-on. Jack Straw rightly said that in some circumstances it was quite obvious that the wearing of the veil by Muslim women would be deemed inappropiate. He argued justifiably that he felt uncomfortable speaking to some of his constituents in Blackburn who wore the veil- because he could not see their faces and with it their emotions.

After he said it, there was the predictable outcry in what is fast becoming a pathetic nation of "soft wets". The media were swarming all over Blackburn like flies and every single T.V and radio journalist were certainly earning their fee by asking every passing person the same bloody thing: Was Jack Straw "racist"? It was at this moment that I thought "hang on a moment, Britain is losing the Great in it".

This country is one of the most tolerant country's in the world and remains so today. Yet, there nothing wrong with voicing somebody's opinion about a certain topic or issue. Jack Straw is no racist but wanted to discuss a matter that had become a source of content in his constituency.

Any comment that is purely offensive regarding somebody's race, gender, sexuality and so forth must be ignored because there is no place in society of a simple lack of tolerance of other people. This is why Big Brother should be taken off air immediately. I am not the only person to have been utterly shocked and appalled at the treatment that Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty recieved from some of her fellow housemates- especially Jade Goody. Disgraceful.

It is equally important though that we should be able to discuss challenges that our communities face with honesty and with the freedom to speak freely. There is a need for a serious debate about the ways in which everyone can be fully integrated into the U.K. Many who enter the U.K for instance, should in my view be able to speak a certain degree of English and I even agree with citizenship tests to help people fully integrate into the culture and heritage that they are entering. This is not

Regarding the Veil, I believe that there are certain situations when it is not acceptable for it to be worn fully. For instance, when teaching children or practicising medicine as a doctor- it goes against common sense. Yet both myself, Jack Straw and others are this and that and the other for voicing our opinions. Yet these are opinions most of the public, including may I hasten to add the majority of the Muslim community, agree with- so where is the problem..?

It is the "PC brigade" gone bonkers. Just like Pete Doherty its a public nuisance that needs ridding. According to them it is wrong to discuss the issue of the Veil, yet perfectly acceptable that B.A are allowed to ask a Christian woman to remove her Cross when she works. Hypocrisy of the first order.

If we cannot have this kind of debate without being branded X, Y and Z then democracy really has gone to pot in this country under "His Tonyness". To be fair though folks, it already has.

This blog was written at 11.30pm.

2007-01-17T12:50:00.000-08:00

Written at 9.30pm

I have just seen the film 'Crash' on DVD. It isn't often that I get the opportunity to watch a film as my housemate Dave is usually monopolising the T.V by either watching 'Blackadder', 'Family Guy' or snooker.

However, I got the opportunity today and what can I say but "wow". It was a touching, poignant and hard-hitting film. 'Crash' is a film that took the movie industry by storm last year recieving critical acclaim both in the U.S and U.K and rightly in my view, won the Oscar for Best Picture last year.

The film sees director Paul Haggis take on the complexities of life in America's Second largest City Los Angeles. There is a Brentwood housewife (Sandra Bullock) and her DA hubbie (Brendan Fraser). A Persian store owner and family. Two police detectives (Ryan Phillippe/Matt Dillon). A black television director (Terence Howard) and his wife (Thandie Newton). A mexican locksmith. Two car jackers (Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges and Laurenz Tate). A rookie cop (Don Cheadle) and a middle-aged Mexican couple. The city is well reknown for its racial and social tensions and the film explores this in a very non-PC way, as all of the above characters live in the city and in 36 hours all collide and affect each other's lives in a remarkable way.

The performances in the film are all fantastic, yet the scene that steals it, is the moment when a racist cop played by Matt Dillon pulls out Thandie Newton from a burning, overturned car following a crash. What makes it remarkable is that earlier in the film, Dillon's character pulled over Newton and her black husband, simply because he was black. The cop had noticed Newton jacking off her husband in the car, so to humiliate the husband Dillon did more than simply strip search Newton. Therefore, the film shows the capacity for even a racist man to do something good for fellow mankind.

I recommend the film immensely if you haven't managed to see it yet. It may sound a heavy film, but believe me it is worth it. It is similar to 'Shooting Dogs' in its ability to deal with sensitive issues in a thought provoking manner (If you haven't seen 'Shooting Dogs' either, do). If you have seen 'Crash' though post me what you thought of it. IRON M gives it 4 stars.

Anyhow fans. Did you tune into the darts Sunday night? What a cracker. It was nearly the most incredible sporting comeback in history. Number 1 seed Martin 'Wolfey' Adams was certainly 'Hungry like the Wolf', as he rushed to a 6-0 lead over qualifier Phil Nixon by the interval, in the best of 13 final.

However, Nixon who is a house-husband, didn't seem to want to get back to the ironing as from somewhere he found inspiration to win a set, much to the Lakeside crowds relief. Then he won another and another. Before you knew it, Nixon had done the seemingly impossible and got the match back to 6-6, as 'Wolfey' who is well known for being a nervous thrower tightened up unable to close the match and the title.

Adams found something in reserve though to preserve in the final set and take this remarkable match 7-6. He thoroughly deserved it overall as he was the best player in the tournament beating amongst others, Top Five seeds Ted "The Count" Hankey and Mervyn "The King" King. Yet one felt a touch of empathy for 'Nixy' though- what a great performance from the geordie.

What a great spectacle darts is though. It is the most played sport behind cricket and football. The most watched televised sporting event on Sky Sports and the BBC, other than Premiership football. And it is great entertainment. I mean, where else could you find 'Wolfey', 'The Power', 'Barney' and 'The Count'. Where else do you hear someone entering the arena to Duran Duran or Madness tunes. It is in darts. For me, I prefer the 'Lakeside' even if the PDC is the far superior in quality.

So for me its simple. Make darts an Olympic Sport.

Anyhow, I am off now as Iron Mike O'Rourke is about to enter the arena (our shed) to the 'Eye of the Tiger' theme tune to knock the Living Daylights out of Drew 'Vin Drewsil' Cameron and David 'Davidth the Cock' Collard. And whats more I will win comfortably.

LETS PLAY DARTS!!!!

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT SWIMMING IS THE NEW F1..?

2007-01-12T19:52:00.000-08:00

**** Most swimmers last week didnt seem to realise they werent quite a patch on former Olympic Gold Medalist Dincan Goodhew.

**** So naturally everyone raced each other like Hill used to race Schuey.

I went swimming tonight. I am a very keen swimmer and regularly pack away my trunks, towel, snazzy new googles and the other bits and bobs before I waddle my way down to Tiverton Fitness Centre and Swimming Pool in Selly Oak. Now, I haven't cracked just yet. There is a reason for going- my physio has been ordering me to steadily improve my fitness and physical strength over the last 12 months. Believe me it takes some committment as I hate the gym as it is both torture and an absolute bore. Most gym users seem to be of the same persuasion because they seem to be anything to keep themselves occupied- MP3 players, books, magazines, walkmans. Part of my routine involves the gym- but swimming is what I do more often as I find it incredibly relaxing.

Tiverton Fitness Centre it a great place to go for a swim as well- the staff are always incredibly friendly, welcoming and I know them all by first-names names and vica-versa. It is also fairly cheap for a swim- only a couple of quid if you have a 'Passport to Leisure Card'. The really tragic news is that my passport to leisure card recently expired which means that as I am no longer a student, I now finally have to pay proper adult prices. But £2.50 is very reasonable.

However, the Fitness Centre is a very busy at the best of times. This is mainly down to the fact that it is situated right bang in the centre of the student living hell-hole that is Selly Oak. As the University charge astronomical prices to join their gym, most students go to Tiverton. Furthermore, the Centre is also the nearest fitness centre for many local residents in and around the Selly Oak, Stirchley and Bournville areas.

Yet it was just chaotic tonight. In the main pool the vast majority of those swimming seemed to be training for the Olympic Swimming Trials. It was remarkably competitive and every person was looking after his or her self. Therefore it was difficult to just have a normal swim which I was after.

During my swim it was like watching motor racing at times. One stage there was a bunch of six swimmers all stuck in a traffic jam in one of the lanes behind an old granny. This was supposedly the fast lane- and yet it was like a bunch of frustrated leaders being led around the track in a Grand Prix- clearly the fastest on the day, yet stuck behind the safety car. As soon as there was a safe opportunity to pass the granny everyone did and then everyone proceeded to try and overtake the person in front of them. F1 was turning into Indy Cars.

I must admit that for a short while I joined in the mayhem because to be fair I had no choice. There was just too many people in the pool. It was a giant game of bumper cars. I was dodging, diving, overtaking, cutting people up just to have any sense of momentum whilst swimming. I even eventually had one side-to-side duel over two lengths against some young kid who couldnt have been a day over 14. Naturally I wanted to and simply had to beat this arrogant little fucker as he just kept smirking at me all evening and thankfully I did beat him- but the narrow of victory was pretty pathetic for someone a decade older.

I don't know why but I got sucked into this 'Olympic mentality' nonsense. I tried to swim most of the 45 minutes as fast as possible- especially picking up speed when there was another swimmer in another lane. But I was very restrained compared to the rest of the idiots.

Granted after a while I got fed up. One always will be when Pat and Doris or Lesley and Tracy, (OAP's and young mothers respectively) swim next to each other so that they can chat about the latest edition of 'Woman' or 'Heat'. With this being the only swimming lane where there is not people trying to become the next Sharon Davies or Duncan Goodhew, I was not amused.

Though- who knows? This may peak just in time for Beijjing next year.

Lets hope so eh cos the British effort in China will so dearly dearly need it.

Is it too much of a gamble?

2007-01-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

Written at 11.59 on 09/01/07

Firstly may I congratulate my old housemate Major Thomas Michael Cole Esq (pictured far left in the photo with my fellow housemates of 2004-06 Ed, Bill and Benj) on being another year older in exactly 60 seconds- yes it is his birthday Wed 10th Jan. I will not embarass him by announcing his age to 'Joe Public' but I wish him a very happy birthday and hear's to a pint on me when we next meet squire.

Tonight I attended my weekly quiz at the 'Great Park Public House' (formerly known as 'The Inside Out') in Rubery, for the first time in 2007. This quiz features the legendary quizmaster 'Disco Dave': a legend around the Midlands.

Our quiz team is known as 'Kenny Unleashed' and was originally thought of as a tribute the Kenny Dalglish, many decades ago. The team features the Iron One and some of my best pals that I have known since school. Alphabetically they feature Boo, Bob, Mr Russ, his girlfriend Penny and Mr Marc. A formidable team.

Well..... not tonight. We were pathetic: no points in the first round (and on sport and leisure which I specialise at as many of you know) thanks to a pathetic gamble we decided to take on Question 10. Only four points in the Second Round. A third of the quiz was over and we were out of contention. It was a poor showing from seasoned campaigners. Much to think about before next week.

Anyhow we did improve and ended in 5th place with 48 points, which given the start was respectable at least.

After the quiz has finished though, Dave always runs a 'Take Your Pick' style competition for the benefit of those attending the quiz. Many of you will remember Des O'Connor's show. It usually started with the Yes/No game before winners got the opportunity to pick a box number and see whether the loot is in their box. Obviously, Des would attempt to offer you as many readies as possible in order for him to buy the key to the box off you. Anyhow, Dave's "pick a box" runs along these lines---- it costs £1 for a strip of raffle tickets and those drawn out of a hat get the opportunity to open the box or take the money.

I always have a go at this game as it is good fun. However, tonight I was disapointed that I took the bait. If the pot total was what is was before Xmas, that is nearly £300, then it is worth a pot shot (sorry for the pun). However, the loot was won just last week and so the jackpot was only £50 anyway.

Therefore, what was the point of taking the risk? It has been two years since I actually got to open the box. So why do I keep buying raffle tickets. I could start to get petty about all this and add up the £1's I have fluttered away on a quick bit of fun. One would soon realises that you could feed yourself for a number of weeks if you just kept it in your pocket.

This is the problem of gambling. The need for a quick thrill. Perhaps it is because we work too much individually? Perhaps it is because personal responsibility is at an all time low. I don't have the exact answers for it. However, I have seen it with my own eyes pretty much daily for the last three years, having worked on and off for 'Ladbrokes'. People just need to come back for more: whether they lose, win they need more...

Those that gamble occasionally obviously do so for a bit of fun and generally it is pretty harmless..... alongs as you have good self control. I have the occasional flutter on football and cricket but my stakes are about as much usually as a can of pop. There is no financial reward to gambling and I am well aware of this fact. It is a mugs game if you ask me which is why I rarely gamble.

Yet for others it can be so easy to turn from the occasional gambler to the addictive gambler. This is when is causes individuals and families to suffer as a result. When the odd £1 turns into £20 and then £200 and beyond, it goes beyond the odd bit of harmless fun. Soon these people are risking money that they cannot afford to actually lose.

We are a nation that seems to be unable to control ever mounting personal detbs. In such an environment, we must always remember that there are no quick fix solutions to financial problems. Gambling should be about having a little bit of recreational fun: not about

trying to get one out of personal hardship or trying to make a bit of "easy money".

Therefore, I will be aiming to keep my £1 in my pocket next week to prove to myself that I don't need "a quick thrill" in order to enjoy myself. The sad thing is that not many people could achieve such a feat themselves.

Nearly was the Great Escape at Old Trafford

2007-01-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

Created at : 7.28 pm

Good evening comrades.

I had a wonderful day out yesterday. I went to Old Trafford to watch my beloved Villa boys play the glory hunting mob from Surrey: known to the rest of the world as Manchester United. It was the FA Cup 3rd Round and even though the game was avaliable to watch on the BBC, I thought it would be more fun to actually fulfill an ambition of mine which was to go and watch a game of football at Old Trafford.

Most of you will be aware that United scrapped home 2-1, with a 90th minute goal from Ole Gunner Solskjaer. Villa up until then had thwarted the home side and the 8,000 Villa fans that were at the game with me, seemed to be heading home with their side in the Fourth Round Draw.

Sadly football is a cruel game. After watching my side go 10 without a win and after England's Ashes humiliation I thought nothing more could go wrong for the times I support. Sadly despite a good game in goal, Kiraly let the ball through his grasp and conceded a quite horrific winner to United. It is the kind of goal that you would let in when you were nine years old- and be bullied for the rest of the week by your classmates for letting the scum (the other class) sneak a win. In fact, I think even David Blunkett could have saved the ball; it was that bad.

However, at least me and my mate Adam had a great day. In the supporters league, Villa safely got the three points and hammered United 5-0. Considering there were about 70,000 United fans they were incredibly quiet. Perhaps they have got so used to winning that they feel they only need to cheer when its really necessary. The Villa faithful got out their whole range of piss-taking songs that even made Mark Lawrenson take note when commentating for the BBC. My favourite one went a bit like this:

chant: "Dirty glory hunters, dirty glory hunters, dirty glory hunters, support your local team, support your local team, support your local team (repeated again and again)

Though it was good fun when we chanted: "You'll soon be Chelsea fans". And when Larsson scored his stunner to put United 1-0 the home fans were still quiet so we chanted "1-0 and you still can't sing".

It was all good humoured, harmless fun and there was no violence after the game either. A good day out- even if was heartbreaking in the end!

Shame really. No one can stand United.

SOS: Save our Hospitals a sacking from the wretched hands of that Big Bully Brown

2007-01-06T12:42:00.000-08:00

I read today that my old housemate Mr Edmund Gardiner ESQ had a few things to say about my latest blog in a comment posted on this site. Suffice to say me and Ed don't agree on all matters- very few actually. We do agree on the legends that are Brian Wilson and Sir Elton John, the need for a staged withdrawl from Iraq of British troops and the fact that the latest Ashes showing from our cricketers was a farce. With me being your archtypical right wing Tory and Gardiner being a traditional left sided Guardian reading "wet" individual, it is however no surprise that with blog is no longer a week old, the man from Harrow is already trying to rubbish my observations. I will leave it all for you to decide who wins the argument- it is in the comment page to my previous blog. But let us put it like this: 1-0 to Iron Mike is the outcome you will find.

Anyway, I am in a cheery mood today because I feel a lot better than yesterday. I awoke today at 8am for my daily bout of physical jerks (as that bearded wonder Uncle Albert in Only Fools and Horses calls it) after a mammoth 12 hour sleep. Now, I have just been talking about this to my friend Zoe on Msn (even if MSN is the most annoying thing to have been invented: impossible to have a conversation on it).

I slept for so long as I was in hospital yesterday for an epidural in the spine. Shame as I was desperate for my Friday night down the Goose in Selly Oak. An epidural sounds painful doesn't it: well it was. I had to be in for 8.30 so decided to walk to the hospital to get a bit of excercise. From my house (near to Bournville station) it takes about 15-20 minutes. I arrived at Ward D1 on time and after a few minutes of absolute chaos, I was shown to my bed. Not that I realised I would actually be a patient in that bed. Oh no, I thought an epideral was like one of the several dozen injections I seemed to have had during my tenure with Selly Oak hospital. Quick five minute job in X-ray after a four hour wait, then home. Sadly, though it was to be my bed for half the day at least- and very comfy I later found out as well.

The staff on the Ward were magnificent. They treated my mate Adam who recently had a hernia and he mentioned how impressed he was to me over the phone last night. In fact no, most NHS staff are fantastic and loyal and hard working and do shitty hours yet are underpaid and burderned and need I go on.? I was sent down to theatre at around 10.15 and to say I was a little apprehensive, is a giant understatement. One always feels nervous when theatre staff are looking over you in their blue frocks and matching headscalves and gloves. And the last time I was in a proper theatre I was five years old and a nervous SuperTed watching, teddy bear clutching, nervous wreck (as my mother will testify). Plus you have all the nightmares of watching too much Holby City in my case too- where all of the operations and procedures- even simple ones like my one, go wrong!!

Yet no there was no disaster. Iron Mike survived so no need for you to get the funeral speeches ready just yet: and actually I behaved quite well. No moaning, complaining, or flirting at theatre staff. I let them put in the needle into my vain without so much as a murmur and then proceeded to roll on my stomach to await Dr Liam Blaney, my consultant, say in his wonderfully smooth and claming Irish accent "You will feel a short sharp scratch right.......... NOW". Actually though it hurt it wasn't too bad.

Dr Blaney is a genuinely pleasant chap. He has been nothing but helpful since becoming my Pain Management Consultant. Yet from what I was seeing, he seems overburdened, overworked and probably underpaid. The staff that kept saying "Well done Mike, you're doing wonderfully well", are definately underpaid and that is fact- how can we treat these wonderful people like this????

Once the procedure was finished, I was shoved down to the "recupreating room", where I was looked after by a very fit nurse called Alex. We got off on the wrong foot as she called me grumpy. "I am sorry but wouldnt you be if you have a one foot long needle stuck pretty much up your arse and have to have both your temperature and blood pressure taken every minute whilst in a ward that resembles the Somme this morning". At which she apologised (unnecessary) and said "Sorry, Mike- only been here an hour and everyone is all over the shop".

From which point which we got on pleasantly well. I had to stay in the "recovery room" for 15 minutes. Mainly this was because most of my body had gone to jelly as it is an anasthetic (epidurals are mainly given to pregnant women during childbirth or individuals with long term pain such as those with reaccuring back pain). I was also kept slightly longer than usual because I was so dopey and sleepy that I reverted to flirting with the young nurse to keep me awake. I presume as I was in recovery for 25 minutes, a lot longer than other patients, I was making a slight impression on the wee nurses :)

Anyhow, from my chat with the members of the Selly NHS team it became very apparant that

they have lost all faith in the government. I said to Alex that the recovery unit looked chaotic. I mean, it WAS chaotic. Yet she replied with this little gem "Nah Mike, this is good. You should see it when it is really hectic. You might be queuing for theatre". I asked mischeviously why (I knew the answer anyway): "Because that prick Blair has cut the number of staff at the hospital and we just cannot cope with the intake anymore. Its bloody ridiculous". She actually said those words and I have witnesses for those who doubt me. This was not just Alex's view- I shouted to a number of other hospital staff and quickly asked there views (you get away with it as a patient as you just ask them for a glass of water first). All of them, many indeed were definately left wing "wets" like Gardiner, had lost faith in the government and were dispairing for the future of the NHS.

There we have it. In 97 Blair said his party had "24 hours to save the NHS". Ten years later it is the same scenario-needing saving. Not that it was ever that bad as Tory spending and restructuring in the 80's and 90's will show. But it is in many ways worse than in 97. This is because professionals are leaving the NHS before they get the boot. Hospitals and wards are closing across the country. The real travesty for me though, is that many of the staff that helped me yesterday may not be in a job when I next go back. Now that we must all agree is disgraceful.

I don't want to see the day when the NHS is abandoned to make way for the books. But this my friends is what is happening under Labour. They are currently closing services across my home county of Worcestershire- including parts of the Accident and Emergency Unit at Redditch's Alexandra Hospital and some services including Brook Haven Clinic in Bromsgrove. And now what I hear in Selly Oak too about closures and letting off of staff.

Sorry folks, I am pissed off. It cannot be allowed to stand anymore. We all have a choice. Back Cameron's Conservatives now: or see the end to more NHS services under "Big bully Brown", as he tries to wriggle his way out of the massive, massive hole that is the nation's Bank Account.

By the way, on a less serious note- the daliance with the nurse didnt last long as she called me "mate"- never a good sign for us blokes. And despite my incredible sleep, I managed to finally see the end of my Superman recording this morning- a film like the Great Escape I had never seen properly through and was desperate to do so (Great Escape was on BBC2 on New Years Day) AND get into work ontime.

Incredible too I had a cheery bus driver which was fantastic. He was whistling while he drove and having a conversation as he drove. As most of the bus drivers that drive me around this City actually looked like they have been in a heavy collision with one of their fleet at some stage in their recent past, this was a pleasant surprise. Of course, being a bus driver we nearly had a crash- got to expect it really havent you. But I survived and could carry on reading a fabulous book (and highly recommended by Iron Mike) P.J.O'Rourke's "Holidays in Hell". A travel book of a journalist who likes to get himself to the scene of revolts and things like that. Naturally American and very very funny. If you like Bill Bryson's style, this is your thing.

Have a good weekend. My next blog: my trip to the "Theatre of Dreams". MIKE XX

ROOM 101 EXCLUSIVE: EFFICIENT CALLS CENTRE'S "YOU'RE HAVING A LAFF"

2007-01-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

Greetings friends. Your Conservative cyber pal is back again with his thoughts on what it is like to live as a citizen under His Tonyness. Realising the length of my last "blog", this one try to be a slightly shorter affair, with three areas that I will touch on briefly:

1.) Call centres 2.) Phone companies 3.) The English Cricket Team

But before I do, I have just spent a few moments sorting out my photo files and found a bunch of photos I never knew I had. The best photos came from my graduation which took place on 14th December. As I was not in charge of my camera that day I hadnt a clue what had been taken and with my hectic schedule had yet to have a peek and see. Though it was a blustery day I had a fantastic day and the rain even stayed away as well. There is something that is purely magic about looking like a character out of one of JK Rowling's Harry Potter novels and marching out of the Great Hall degree certificate in hand, to the sound of "Land of Hope and Glory". As a patriotic Brit, I sometimes shake my head with fierce anger at the lack of patriotism shown in many quarters in the U.K. But I was proud- I had studied bloody hard for 3 years and my degree meant a lot to me. God knows why, because as I am finding out know a degree just ISNT ENOUGH to get the best jobs. But to get my 2:1 after all the peaks and troughs was an immensely proud day for me and it was great that I can share it with my family. As some of you may know, it has been a tough time for the O'Rourke clan over the last couple of years. But my family have always been 100% behind me and been my rock. The main picture I include is of my family as a tribute to them all. Mother Linda, brother Martin, sister Natalie and my old man Bill. Thanks guys, you are the best. I also include a picture of me with my housemates Drew and Dave and one with me with my old mate Jack (who also got a 2:1 in history-clever old thing). Final picture is of the two staff and friends at the University that I owe my greatest thanks to. On the left is Dr Elaine Fulton my personal tutor and on the right, the legend that is Dr John Bourne (one of my module tutors).

Anyhow now I have got that emotional such and such out of the way to today's thoughts.

1.) Call centres- If I ever get the chance to get Paul Merton to put one thing into Room 101 then it will be these horrible inventions. Today, I went into Sainsbury's to buy a loaf on a lunch break. I realised I didnt have my Nectar car. Knowing me all too well I realised it was probably missing- as an O'Rourke always has everything under the sun in his wallett and I didnt-so theres a 99% chance it is missing. Anyhow, I was shoved off to customer services and was then put through to Nectar Card Services on the phone. My God, I am a patient man but I lost my rag. All I had to do was give the lady who answered my call my address and then get another card sent to me. It should have took 2 minutes- it took 25. Why? Because the woman could not understand a word of English. Of course immigration has added a wealth of talent and positive energy to this country. But they cannot be used to just fill holes. There has to be limitations as to the numbers because it is just not practical to allow them to do any job that needs filling. If they do they have to actually be properly trained for the jobs that they take on and above all be able to speak competant English. I felt sorry for the woman as she was only trying her best. But come on, call centres today are utterly meaningless if you cannot actually get the person who is trying to help you, understand an ounce of what you are trying to say. And if you do get a half fluent English speaker, you are kept on the phone 10 hours while they check records, or they put you through to another department (the girl dipping into her cream bun who is usually sitting next to the person you are speaking to). And we all know what this means- £1.50 for three to four minutes of Englebert Humpledink. By the time they get back to the phone, you are saying "Please, release me... let me go...."

2) Phone companies- I had a call from a man today from Orange. My contract is up soon and he wanted to offer me "great deals". As a thank you I could upgrade my phone he said. I asked him whether this was for free. He said not; "It is if you upgrade your contract with us to 18 months at £45 a month. So I replied "Ok so your not really thanking me at all are you mate. You are just trying to cohersely such more money out of me on the snide". Phone companies treat us all as if we are complete morons. Indeed, some citizens of Birmingham (generally those that walk aimlessly around Brum with gold chains, fifteen kids and tons of stuff from Sports Soccer) are morons. But no many are intelligent creatures that can work out that whatever way you look at it choosing an 18 month contract will cost more than a 12 month contract. Those that work in the shops and call you up try to do "mathematical b*******s" in order to confuse you so much that you just sign so that they go away. And as for those twats that linger on high streets trying to pounce on you in your 10 minutes to leg it to Greggs to get a sandwich in the dinnerbreak moment: if I encounter one more- there is hell to pay. Just because you are in a River Island suit and have gelled your hell this morning does not dissuade me from thinking that the person motioning towards me with a smile it a t**t. If it aint the jumped up kid with acne, it is the tart with the high heals, bit tits and massive huge earrings. Sorry love, they could succeed in Walford, but this is the real world so just piss off. Please, just let us all be. If we want a phone deal, we will get one that suits us. Stop bothering us 24/7.

3) English cricket team-- One word sums this up: "Spineless". God, I hate this Australian team. Most of the team are filled with tossers whose egos bigger than the Eiffel Tower. But they are good. When it comes to the crunch, they may talk but they walk the walk as well. Our boys talk and fail to deliever. Ummm... where do we see similarities. No 10 is a clue. For the Barmy army fans that have been fantastic Down Under, I hope a miracle happens. But it wont and hasnt. England 131-9 the last I heard. It is all over. We've lost 5-0 and should bow our heads in shame. Though it has been a pleasure to watch Warne and McGrath over the last few years- I pay tribute to them as two of the game's greats- it is a dark day for English cricket.

My Room 101's for the day. I'm blogging off. Hope you are all well.

A TIME TO EMBRACE CHALLENGES AND CHANGE

2007-01-02T16:26:00.001-08:00

Greetings friends. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Trust and hope you all had a good New Year's Eve and had a good Xmas holidays and have survived last night’s activities. New Year’s Eve is always over hyped- a bit like this Ashes series Down Under of which apart from Hoggy and Monty has been a pathetic showing from our big wingers. Was delighted that the many things I have observed regarding New Year- right from the awful countdown to the Big Ben chimes at 12am, right through to the desire everyone seems to have to get as pissed as never before at New Year (way over your limitations)- were covered in the highly entertaining ‘Grumpy Old Men and Woman at New Year’. The whole Grumpy... series is a little gem that has been scandalously mistreated over the last couple of years shunted around the TV schedules like a husband wanting to dispose of the mother-in-law at Christmas. “No we’ll just stick you over there”. Granted the celebrities featured on the show such as Des Lynam, Jeremy Clarkson and Bill Oddie do go on a bit, but many of the observations are spot on.

I spent my evening at a gathering (rather than a party) of old school friends and the evening was as successful as one could expect given the attitude of all the attendees towards New Year. It was enjoyable enough though- well I managed to get through my two pack of beer anyway. Whatever you were doing New Year’s Eve- I hope you enjoyed yourself and I hope you didn’t waste too much money (particularly if in a pub or a club on what I term as “novelty crap”).

As it is New Year though the theme of my first special feature of the year is “New Beginnings”. I spent the Xmas Period with my father for the week in the OAP’s capital which is Rubery, my home village- a quiet suburban neighbourhood just inside Worcestershire. This morning the old man popped over to his railway club (yes he had got a real train too Bob) and with no one in the house I decided to go on a mission: a walk to the shops to get caffeine!! Needed coca cola so badly New Year's morning to wake myself properly so that I could survive the afternoon’s traditional New Year visit to see my “Irish Friend” (as I have always called my Grandfather ). However, those know me well realise I loathe most types of shopping, so really the amble down the road however necessary, was all about getting a bit of fresh air. I seem to do this a lot since my travels around Europe last year. Just wander off aimlessly for a while in a world of my own. At first it was just down to the shops. But I never do things by halves and after seeing a couple of hikers entering the village from the Beacons, I decided that I would have a wander up to the Lickey Hills. At first it seemed a good idea as it was dry and there’s nothing like a good old walk to sober a man up. I hadn’t been up the Lickey Hills for a while so thought it was worth a quick visit. The only time I ever seemed to go to the Lickeys was to play golf- and play badly. So badly that I would lose interest in trying to save par and just enjoy the scenic views the round gave us. I was ridiculously unprepared for a walk- no boots, no umbrella (a must have), no flask of tea (a must have). Yet in that great old stubborn British way, I made sure that I carried on irrespective of the elements, which naturally as soon as I got to the Hills started to turn against me.

The walk made it evidently clear that I still need to get a bit fitter in 2007 (even though I made a decent attempt to do so in 2006). It proceeded to piss it down so visibility was poor. At one point I wandered what I was doing walking in the rain just to visit a place I visited weekly as a kid. It seemed as barmy a decision as my mate Ed’s decision to play golf as a hangover cure when in Warwickshire with his old mates from Harrow. But I didn’t care as the view was splendid. However bad the elements seemed to be, the view was still majestic. I don’t care what Jeremy Clarkson may say about the nations 2nd City and the Midlands in general, but it is a fantastic area to live in- so much greenery and great sites a stone throw away. The site of the University clock tower, BT clock tower, Birmingham Airport to the North of my position on Beacon Hill, with the Malvern Hills and Forest of Dean to the south. Behind Table Mountain and the Swiss Alps, I must say the Malvern is my most favourite scenic spot in the world. The views were made even the better once the gales had stopped and the sun had come out, albeit weakly.

Things will always change though. The last time I came visited Castle Point on the Lickeys was with my mother, father, brother and sister when little. Now, it was just me and it felt a little odd. As Christmas evidently illustrated, everybody had moved on in my family from yesteryear. I still get on excellently with all of my family- stayed and visited them all regularly over the Xmas period. I write this now from my Grandfathers house. I harked for a return to the “good old days” occasionally over the holidays- a return to the innocence and thrills of being a child. But they are to now submitted only to the archives. A walk around Rubery realised how much the village had changed as well. Even though I have for the past three years lived just 10 miles down the road, I just hadn’t noticed the degree of change in a place that NEVER EVER CHANGED. Kwik Save no longer exists, two excellent cafes have now gone to be replaced by Bangladeshi restaurants, the town’s sports shop has gone. In comes Dominos Pizza and Subway and a Halifax. It summed this all up for me- nothing stays the same for ever, life carries on and it is important to brace these changes.

I try and keep New Years Resolutions. Like Des Lynam I will not smoke in 2007 (cheeky one as I have hardly ever smoked-only the occasional cigar when it’s a special occasion). I will hopefully be driving by this time next year. As for the rest of the resolutions, I will keep these under my Frank Sinatra style hat- in case I do not get them. Whatever happens though, I will face up to the challenges ahead and not be afraid of change.

Great result for Villa as well tonight- hope the Villa team face the challenges ahead and start bloody winning sometime soon. It would be great to start this Sunday when I am at Old Trafford for the FA Cup 3rd Round tie- with Man Utd.

Let me know what your resolutions are sometime anyway as I now blog off. I hope Blair had made one- a fazed timetabled withdrawal of British forces from Iraq. I doubt he has bothered though- too comfy on Robin Gibbs couch. As a long time Bee Gees fan it really hurts me to say that too.

HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR AND WELCOME TO THE BLOG!